A person’s ideas are never shaped in isolation, especially ideas on gender. By definition, gender is a cultural construct; thus, it varies from society to society. As a result, the Pakistani concepts of gender are dramatically different from the American concepts of gender. I wondered how young Pakistanis who had spent part of their lives in America had negotiated the formation of their ideas on gender given the varying cultural backgrounds to which they had been exposed, and whether living in the West had shaped their ideas at all. I interviewed three men and three women, all of whom are either in college or graduate school, or have college degrees and are working. I spoke to them about expectations for men and women in Pakistani-American society, the role of education in Pakistani-American women’s lives, family life for working women, and the forces that influenced their own perceptions of gender. The group represented a gamut of opinions, but one theme was prominent: the move from Pakistan to America had profoundly affected this new generation and its ideas of Hum Tum.
Maria, a Master’s student in Middle Eastern Studies, acknowledged that there are expectations of Pakistani-American women, “but I don’t think it’s anything negative. It’s a generational gap. There’s no template for my generation, because we live in a society where our parents didn’t grow up.”
Sarah K, an anthropology PhD student, elaborated on the culture that Pakistanis brought to America. When Pakistani parents established themselves in America, “they had a rosy idea of what Pakistani society back home is like, including an ideal of how men and women behave back home.” This ideal, which originated in the 1950s and 1960s, a time when many of our parents were growing up, has shaped how Pakistanis expect their children to behave, argued Sarah K. "Women are more affected by those ideals because they have to be good Pakistani girls, get married to the right kind of guy, from the right kind of country, with the right kind of background," she declared.
Many Pakistanis immigrated to America for better economic opportunities, and so the majority of them want their children to be educated in order to succeed. Maria stated that the expectations for daughters and sons were essentially the same. “You get educated, you get a good job, and that draws you closer to having a better life.”
However, some people noted that the burden of economic success changes for men and women once a woman is married. Sarah A., a junior in college, pointed out that “generally, not specific to Pakistan, men are supposed to be the breadwinners.” Abdur-Rahim, a graduate student in a joint MBA and Public Administration Master’s program, stated that although he grew up in a family where both parents worked, he believed that "a woman has the right to pursue a career, but the ultimate responsibility of earning for the family rests with the man."
Does this mean that a woman’s career is not as important as her husband’s? Not necessarily, Wasim, a law student, said. “Men and women have equal potential in terms of being breadwinners. You can’t expect a woman who has spent the past eight or more years in undergraduate and postgraduate study to sacrifice all that,” he responded. “Even in Islam, we can see examples of women who were working and supporting their husbands, Khadijah, for example.”
Saleem, who trained as a lawyer and now owns a business, said, “Throughout the centuries, men have always been the breadwinners. Women stayed at home, but now everything has changed. Now the women are going to work and doing better than the men.”
However, the arrival of children complicates the roles of spouses. Wasim stated that while biologically only a woman can become pregnant, this does not automatically designate her as the caretaker of the children. “There is something to be said about mothers being able to ‘mother’ better than fathers, but does that mean that these women who are very successful in schools will be sitting at home after they have kids?” Wasim questioned. His proposal was that one parent should stay at home with the children, and it did not have to be the mother. “I know a number of couples where the wife is the breadwinner and the husband spends more time at home,” he commented.
On the other hand, Saleem stressed a woman’s duty as a mother and a wife as being of primary importance. He gave the example of a Pakistani woman he knew who graduated from Oxford, got married, decided to stay at home when she had her children. He believed that a woman could work “as long as she fulfills her duty—takes care of the kids and cook and cleans and takes care of her husband.” For him, this role of a woman was more valuable than her role as a working woman. Moreover, he felt that a woman who did not provide these things in a marriage was not fulfilling her duty. “If I work really hard and give my wife a really good lifestyle, and there’s no food on the table when I go home and she’s not home, it’s not a good feeling. Why do I work so hard to come home to an empty house? I might as well just be single.”
When asked about the myriad of influences that shaped their thoughts on gender, all of the respondents stated that their parents had primarily taught them, whether it was through example or discussion, about gender roles. In addition to parents, Sarah A. recognized that “everything around you shapes the way you perceive women’s roles. For example, when you’re growing up, your mom’s roles, you grandmother’s roles, your cousin’s roles, all these influence what you think about women’s roles. What you see around you, books you read, movies, TV shows—all these show that a good mom does this, and this is what a bad mom does. The first thing I thought about was the mom from [the TV show] “Leave it to Beaver,” who always was smiling, always had an apron on and was always making fresh cookies. That’s all she does. This was the good mom.” Media, the surrounding community, our families: all these are forces that affect the way we think. They define gender, and to varying degrees, we absorb these definitions and incorporate them into our lives.
However, gender roles continue to evolve. “This new generation is being raised differently, because a lot of the kids who are in elementary school now are 3rd generation Pakistani-Americans,” Sarah K. stated. For these children, who are often raised by parents who also grew up in America, Pakistani traditions are more easily melded with American ones. Their parents have been affected by the hybridization of Pakistani culture, and as a result, the values they impart to their children have a distinct American flavor to them. It remains for the new generation to navigate its definition of gender in an increasingly diversified society.
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